Well if anyone else runs across this thread and has the same issue, I believe my problem is solved.
I ended up going to a wrecker and found a PCM (the main computer) with the same part and firmware version as mine. Took it to local Ford dealer and they reprogrammed it to my vin and did the necessary voodoo for the PATS system. Since then it has not failed to start!! Its been running perfect for just about a month so far. In our current warm weather (24 to 33 deg C) and the just the number of start stop sequences by now it should have failed to start at least 3 times and hasn't skipped a beat.
To recap some troubleshooting:
-battery was good
-starter relay itself was replaced because its simple and cheap. had no effect
-the command start would also fail to start the car. this rules out the physical ignition tumbler and the ignition switch
-command start was ruled by unplugging the brain and removing the immobilizer bypass module. this takes the command start completely out of the starting path
-not a starter issue. circuit was tested during a "no start" situation and putting a test light at the starter relay proved the relay was not being triggered
-fuel pump was ruled out. even with fuel pump relays or fuses removed from the vehicle will still crank normally. indicates it does not care if there is no fuel pressure it would still try to start
-using FORSCAN never trapped any meaningful codes during a no start situation. when the vehicle would start normally there was never any codes, misfires or any data picked up which indicated any issue
-FORSCAN was used to watch real time data streams from certain systems. of note the ignition tumbler and the transmission range sensor was watched during a no start. The ignition tumbler would properly be shown in "Start" when the key was physically turned to start. Ruled it out. Transmission range sensor would properly indicate where the shifter was, during a no start it always properly indicated Park.
Since the PCM I found was cheap and Ford only charged for 1 hr of labour to program it this was actually a fairly inexpensive repair to boot.
Hope this helps someone!